Boulevard of Broken Dreams
by AntebellumHope
Summary: Post SAINW. "Though the world knows me not, may my thoughts and actions be such as shall keep me friendly with myself." Donatello told them where he was sent, but did he tell them everything?
1. Chapter 1

~*.*~

_Here is where you'll always find me,  
>always walking up and down.<br>But I left my soul behind me  
>in an old cathedral town.<em>

_The joy you find here, you borrow,  
>You cannot keep it long, it seems.<br>But gigolo and gigolette  
>still sing a song and dance along<br>the boulevard of broken dreams._

_-"Boulevard of Broken Dreams," Nat King Cole_

~*.*~

It's just another one of those nights. Sleep's not coming any time soon, and thoughts racing round and round my head just won't stop. I kinda regretted not sneaking out the front door when I'd passed it, but how was I supposed to know that in less than five minutes the thought of clean sheets and sweet dreams would make me itch worse than that batch of poison oak. It's not like I did anything. Really. Just took one little innocent peak into the room and walked away. I mean, he told us everything was fine and he was just going to go make a few notes and hit the sack, so looking in his room on my way past was just a normal reflex. I didn't even say anything.

But maybe…

Maybe I should've. Maybe.

Gah, why was I even thinking about it? I just leaned on the doorframe for like half a minute and watched him lean into his hand like he always does when he's thinking really hard. It's not like it was that big a deal. I just watched his posture change as he gave into fatigue and continued on my merry little way. Didn't even hang around long enough for him to know I was there.

But maybe…

Maybe I should've. Maybe.

'Cause maybe I was trying just a little too hard to convince myself that he was shaking from fatigue and those dark spots eating away at the paper in his hand were shadows...or bugs...or something. And I mean, I could see a ton of books laying around. He just hadn't gotten around to organizing them the way he wanted, I was sure. I mean, I totally understood being so wore out that sleeping in a mess was a better alternative than cleaning it up. I kinda wished his lamp hadn't been on. His lamp is like _never_ on, not even when it got to the point that the notebook was less than an inch in front of his face. Just wasn't something he did unless…

I stopped short and vaguely wondered if I would turn around and see a groove in the floor I'd been pacing.

...unless something or someone was broken beyond repair.

And very suddenly, I couldn't get down the hall and into the adjacent room fast enough.

In the wake of the newfound sense of panic, I completely forsook the training that disguised my steps. He had to have heard me coming, 'cause he was leaning on the doorway like I had been not ten minutes earlier. Regarding me in a way that was all kinds of uncomfortable, he let his shoulders sag in a sigh and motioned me in. I'd only just managed to get my breathing below hyperventilation when he curled up at the end of his bed and kept on studying me.

I looked to my left and traced the cracks in the wall, pursing my lips and blowing out two puffs of air.

"What gave it away?"

Two more puffs. The roar in my ears died down a little as my pulse evened out. I was going to have to let him know that the whole mind-reading trick was just plain creepy. "Lamplight." ...someday. Right now, I was just glad to have a place to start.

"Ah."

He slipped off his mask and let it hang around his neck, calling attention to the dark bags gathered under his eyes. Pale and trembling and way too thin for my liking, he just sat and stared through me so long that I thought maybe he'd gone to sleep with his eyes open. I didn't like that look. It was just...haunted. Like he'd seen way too much and his brain had short-circuited. I wanted to turn on my heel and run far, far away from that listless gaze.

Maybe...

Maybe I should've.

'Cause it was right then he chose to speak, and I had a feeling that what I was about to hear was going to keep me up for a long, long while.

"I was there for days. Weeks, maybe. I lost count after the first week because my pencil broke." He froze, a mirthless choke of laughter on his mouth. It started out slow, laboriously building until every muscle in my body told me to run. It was a low, moaning keen, pulsating just enough to pass for a bitter laughter. "My pencil broke! How stupid is that?"

He giggled and then cut off and assumed the same lifeless stare.

_Oh-kay. Watching someone devolve into deep-rooted psychosis is now off the bucket list._

He was silent for five straight minutes, and I didn't think this was one of those times where I was allowed to speak. And if it was, I didn't want to. I could tell he needed to talk, and I was afraid that if I opened my mouth too soon, none of us would ever get anything out of him. So I just got comfortable on the thick rug in the corner and let him know that he had my undivided attention for as long as he needed it.

"I'm not a stranger to wounds. I've bandaged my share of them and outgrew any squeamishness by the time I was eight. So when they took me to the camp, the first thing I had to pass through was the infirmary." He swallowed. "They...they told me it would be bad, and _he -"_ I watched his fists curl up "- told me not to be stupid and think I could help."

He shut his eyes as he spoke, willing himself back to that nightmare to make sure all of it was purged from his system.

_There were a lot of cots off to the right, most of them unoccupied but all of them stained red and yellow and brown. Five, maybe six people stretched out on the remaining ones. They were covered in some kind of gauze, and that was only on tight enough to stop the bleeding for the night. I think he knew I was itching to re-dress them properly, but he just tugged me along and said not to worry about them._

'_It won't matter by morning.'_

_The whole place stank of death and decay, and I lost count of the number of shovels and makeshift body bags after the first few feet of them. The infirmary was a sheltered hovel a quarter mile behind the main structure of the base, and the open ground on which we trod was moist with rain. Several of the grave diggers looked up from their work as we past, looking at us...looking at _me_ with some mix of awe and apprehension._

'_Quit staring!' He snapped. 'It's not like you've never seen one of us!'_

_Shocked, they turned their heads back to the bloated corpses that needed to get in the ground before the morning. They were too young to have seen so much death, and in some cases, to even pick up the shovel. A row of what I assumed were barracks lined the back wall, and as we approached them, I could see that a load of brush had been pulled away from the door to allow us passage. Skirting past a guard that looked no older than twelve, he ran his hand along the inner wall until he came to a closed door, three down from the entrance._

'_Rebel Leader won't be back 'til dawn. You're bunking here.' He roughly shoved me into a room with half a straw mattress and a bowl of water and stormed off._

_I rubbed my hand absently over the bruise that was forming and paced around my quarters for the better part of an hour. I had left the door cracked so I could listen to the sounds of life around me. The only life around me. I shivered as I thought of the eerie quiet of the city, silence punctuated too infrequently by the soft whirr of machines. The base was even less hospitable than whatever shelter the steel towers offered, and my chances of surviving the next few days looked just as bleak with my new 'allies.'_

_At least he hadn't ordered me offed outright._

Although, maybe he wants to do it himself.

_Well, wasn't that a comforting thought._

_Dropping onto the flatten mattress, I pulled the bowl of what I hoped was drinkable water to my mouth and drank._

'_Ungh,' I coughed. Grit and pieces of straw left a fuzzy sensation in my mouth, but the water seemed clean enough, so I kept swallowing._

_I peered out the door as the sounds of living softened. Doors were shut gently, good-byes were whispered softly, and snores began to drift into the air. I hadn't been told to stay put, and I didn't intend to anyway. The hallway grew darker and darker as night settled on the land, and I crept out, merging with the shadows._

_The foliage hiding the doorway from prying eyes also served as a decent alarm, and I wasn't sure I could twist my way past all the branches without telling him that I was going for a stroll. Moonlight taunted me from afar, illuminating the very path I wished to take. I frowned and stepped back._

_I shouldn't have been able to see the moon through the downed tree, at least not if the bottom part was as dense as the top, which meant…_

_The cold mud stuck to my chest and neck as I slid nimbly under the dead leaves but I made it out of the barracks with no one the wiser. Faint starlight kept my desired path too light for my liking, and I muttered angrily when I felt the sharp prick of burrs in the undergrowth clinging to my legs. I settled into a light jog (and hoped there was only one thorny bush) and let my feet take me where they would._

_The slipshod construction of the small infirmary meant that it creaked and croaked if the wind blew past, never mind when anything of substantial weight set foot on the ground boards. So as I slipped behind the door, I found several curiously terrified pairs of eyes looking me up and down. I took quick stock of the room, finding no medical supplies in plain view and several more empty cots than I remembered seeing on my way in._

_'__The diggers came for them if that's what you're wondering.'_

_Startled, I spun on my heel to face the lone guard, a young woman of Asian descent and too much bitterness in her eyes. Her abdomen was large in late pregnancy, and long dark hair cascaded over her shoulders as she regarded me. She was using a stack of ruined books as a chair and playing with a bright purple strand. She didn't seem to want to stop my ministrations, so I turned to the closest cot._

_The girl was trembling in the throes of a fever. She was pale. Blue discolorations on her skin brought a simmering rage to the surface, one I didn't know I possessed. She didn't seem to notice I was near, but she flinched away from my cool touch._

_I swallowed thickly. 'What happened?'_

__'She was found yesterday by a scout. Her parents were taken to one of the camps, and when she tried to follow…'_ She knelt next to the cot and pull the sheet down to the girl's waist, and I only just had enough to turn my head to retch. __Two long scratches serrated the skin along her chest cavity, exposing muscle and bone. __Yellow-green pus was crusted onto the edges of the gashes. __The immature tissues shuddered as she tried to breathe against the sudden chill. _'_The children are not shown mercy.'_

_Quickly scanning the woman's impassive face, I demanded, 'Do you have anything? Iodine, peroxide, a sewing kit?'_

_My despair grew with each shake of her head. I growled and launched myself at an unused chamber pot. I had seen a ground well on my way out. I cared not for the amount of noise I made as I gathered water and wood and tossed both into the fire pit at the center of the room. Patting my belt for the loose rolls of gauze I kept on my person for quick patch jobs, I threw them into the water once it came to a boil._

_She said little as I waited, beyond asking me my name. 'Your brother said you wouldn't listen.'_

'_I have to do something. It's...it's not right to consign someone to death and be done with it.'_

'_No,' she sighed. 'But what else can we do?'_

_The rhetorical question struck me hard and I had to bite down on my palm to keep from lashing out. I understood the cruelty forced upon these people, and I understood the choices they faced every day the woke to find themselves in this hell. But I just couldn't make myself see how far they had abandoned hope._

_'__You can fight.'_

_She snorted. 'Look where that's got us.'_

_I tenderly removed the cloth and let it cool some before I touched the girl. I used the first strip to wipe away what I could see of the infection, the second to clean the rest of the wound somewhat, and the third to re-dress it. She moaned in agony every time I grazed her skin. Using the sullied water to douse the fire, I cracked the door to let some of the smoke out and some of the fresher night air in._

_I kept a close eye on the child through the rest of the night, speaking occasionally to the woman, who finally told me her name was Shuka. At some point during my vigil, the exhaustion sunk into my bones, and I fell into a light sleep._

_An adamant stomp at the entrance shook me awake, and I found myself staring into hard cobalt eyes. The glare leveled at me caused me to shift back a few steps. He glanced at Shuka, who shrugged and nodded to the child. The new bindings on her wounds were clearly visible. He sighed, then brushed past me and lifted the thin frame up._

_When I started to protest, he roughly dropped her into my arms, and I got my first good look at her in the sunlight. Her lips and skin were a light grey, and her pupils were dilated more than normal. She wasn't breathing, and she likely hadn't been for hours. I flinched as he drug the shovel along the ground and led me out to a fresh plot._

_'__I told you so.'_

When he finished his story, he looked more tired than I'd ever seen him. Slowly, he tilted his midline until he just fell over on his mattress, and I was pretty sure that though he shut his eyes, he wasn't going to be sleeping any time soon. I know I sure wasn't. I backed out of the room slowly, not wanting to hear or even think of anything else he might say but not quite wanting to be alone. I stumbled back to my room and gave one last look over my shoulder. His lamp was still on.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **Okay, so I had a few issues with the SAINW episode, all of them tied back to the fact that one episode was not enough to cover all the possible things that probably happened to poor Donnie. I don't think that the events in the episode ran their course in only one night. Think about it: Mikey was with the SuperTurtles for about two days, Raph was part of a THREE-day planet race, and Leo easily spent at least two nights with Usagi and Gen before going to the Battle Nexus. So, I'm under the persuasion that Donnie was in that dimension for at least three days, maybe longer. Also, it would have taken a while for them to get to the camp, meet everyone, call up Raph and Leo, meet Raph and Leo, form a plan, gather the troops, and head out.

Anyway, I know everyone's got their own story about how Don reacted once everything was back to normal. Mine is that he told everyone the basics (what we saw in the episode) but maybe not EVERYTHING that he saw, and it starts wearing on his sanity.

This is a one-shot _for now,_ but I wanted to ask you guys if maybe I should have a few more 'story times with Don' with some of the others? What do you think? In this one, he is talking to Mikey about SAINW Mikey. Maybe he shares a story with Raph about SAINW Raph or something like that?

Btw, is the format easy enough to follow? And what do you guys think of Shuka (aka my first overt attempt at a minor OC)?

As always, please feel free to point out any grammar/spelling mistakes. I proofread as best I can, but I am merely human.

Please lemme hear your thoughts!


	2. Chapter 2

WARNING: The following contains an implicitly mature scene that may be disturbing to some readers.

* * *

><p>It had been maybe a month since Mikey's little talk with him, and Mikey hadn't been much for conversation since. Can't say I blame 'im. Anything that could be even remotely dubbed 'story time' usually didn't go over well in our family. The quiet that had surrounded them was startin' to get annoying, so I'd decided to do a light patrol run. Sensei'd been wary about lettin' us out of sight since everyone's 'vacation,' but I didn't think I'd be gone long enough to worry 'im too much.<p>

The freedom of the night was something I'd really missed. Choking on the city smog, scrapin' up my feet on the concrete and metal of the rooftops, free fallin' into dark crevices that hid the crooks and crooked….

I breathed in. It was _exhilarating._

The calm wind stirred up around me and carried with it stranger's voices. I looked over the edge of the building and into the neighboring alleyway where a man and a woman were arguing in a foreign tongue. Neither were...covered properly, and I struggled to keep my eyes on their feet and _only_ on their feet. Eventually, whatever the disagreement had been over, it was settled, and the man grabbed his pile of clothes and trudged off. I could feel the twang of sadness in my chest as the girl dressed herself. She didn't look like she was old enough to buy the cigarette she was smokin'.

I had dropped into the alley before I was completely aware of my movements. I didn't know what I planned on doin', but I knew that if it was in my power, she was gonna be done with this work tonight. A faint tingling of instinct was drumming a groove into the base of my skull as I reached out an arm…

...and was clouted soundly on the head for my trouble.

"Don't you dare touch her," a hot voice hissed. "Don't you _dare._"

I was so startled at the low threat rumblin' from his throat that I was a second too late in noticin' him going for mine. His eyes were blank and angry and just...wrong. And I was dead certain I never wanted to see my brother this pissed again. Ever.

He had dragged me further into the niche at the back of the narrow space before I overcame my surprise. "Whassup...wit you…" I could barely get the words out around the pressure on my windpipe.

He jerked back as though I'd struck 'im, and I took advantage of his shock to do so. "What's the matter with you?" I demanded again and winced. He'd had a good grip on my neck. I could feel some bruises forming.

He saw the imprints of his hands and blanched. "Ototo…"

I sighed and kept a tight hold on his shoulder to keep 'im from runnin' off. His breaths started comin' fast and heavy and culminated in his dinner on the ground and my feet. Gross. I just patted his back and waited for the story to come, not knowin' that I'd feel like vomiting myself as he told it.

He'd told us the high points...er, most significant points of his misadventure in time, but we were all pretty sure he'd been keepin' a lot more to himself. His run-in with Mikey had proven that much.

He wiped his mouth and slowly rasped out his narrative.

_He casually leaned against a broken streetlamp, cocking his head at passersby. The trench kept the bulk of his body hidden, and the worn fedora left only his eyes exposed to the night air. A curvy young woman strolled alluringly past, subtly glancing back over her shoulder to appraise his physique. She seemed pleased at the mutually appreciative gaze, and I admit I stared more than I should have. She was...dressed for attention. Each must have seen something they liked, for the coy smile he offered brought her to his side with a greeting peck on the cheek. She tugged at one of his hands. He rolled his eyes good-naturedly and let himself be led into a narrow alley that forced her right into his personal space._

_His hand slowly snaked itself around her waist, and he nipped at her ear. In reply, her mouth turned to his without hesitation, and he roughly pushed her against the wall. As he kissed her, his hand stroked her waist. The sensation made her laugh and dance into a position he liked. Long legs peaked out from the short skirt, but strangely enough, the angle she was standing at only gave him a good view of her limbs and her face. He didn't seem to notice what he was missing. Her lips crept from the corner of his mouth down his neck and out to a shoulder. She walked her fingers across the nape of his neck, and a slight shiver shook him. A soft sigh reached my ears as he lifted his head..._

…_and saw me before I could duck out of sight._

_His eyes tightened a but as I moved to scale down the wall. He tucked the girl into himself long enough to flash a series of gestures at me. The first was just plain rude, but the rest warned me back to the camp. I copied the initial signs to let him know what I thought of_ that_._ _He scowled but turned his attentions back to his would-be inamorata, whose stealthy hands slipped inside the trench.  
><em>

_He let his gaze soften immediately, but I could tell from the tightness in his shoulders that his thoughts lay on me. The woman gasped around a rough mouth and the sudden press of his body. He had her arms pinned above her, causing the windbreaker she wore to fly open and uncover a scrap of cloth that barely passed for a shirt. She wriggled uncomfortably at the weight, and I felt my blood pressure skyrocket._

_And then he pulled out his blade. Brandishing the steel almost happily, he knocked his knee against her inner thighs. The weapon scratched at the wall behind her head as she obediently widened her stance. The girl paled visibly as the knife caressed her neck and breasts, slithered past her navel and down her legs. A sick smile graced his face, and he lifted the skirt and whistled lowly at the thin black lace beneath.  
><em>

How _dare_ you touch a woman like that? _I nearly screamed at him. _Did our father's teachings mean so little to you?

_As if reading my thoughts, he flicked his eyes briefly to mine again then pulled his captive deeper into the alley. I swore. The rooftops ran adjacent to the passageway but were covered with vents and towers and broken glass. Warily treading through the maze meant I lost them almost immediately, something he had counted on. I could hear a vague protest echoing off the walls, but it took me several minutes to track them to a dilapidated apartment building. The fire escape looked like it could fall at any moment, but it was the only vantage point I could find. A light gasp fell from the sky, followed by the sharp _thump_ of a door closing._

_I peered into the second story room that the sounds seemed to come from. The first thing I saw was a thick wad of cash in his fist. He waved it at the girl almost threateningly. Her glower took on a light of resignation, but those bright green eyes still managed to be enticing in the moonlight. The roll of bills was carelessly tossed on the couch._

_The strumpet eased her jacket off her back and began to work her fingers around the buttons of her blouse. His face had settled into an indifferent stare that occasionally slid along her curves. I jerked back when he motioned to me, again ordering me back to the camp. Again, I refused, and his frown grew. The deep collar of her shirt had been worked back to a nearly inappropriate angle before he reached for the hem._

_It was probably the only time I'd seriously considered harming one of my brothers._

_He held a hand up to stop the strangled protests in my throat before gently tucking the shirt back to its rightful spot. If I looked stunned, the girl was stupefied._

"_If I wanted what you're sellin', I'd be after an experienced vendor with a little more meat on 'er bones," he chuckled gruffly._

_Her expression was some mix of relief and offense, and she crossed her arms in a silent demand for explanation. He met her gaze evenly. "How old're you, fourteen? Maybe?"_

_She shrugged noncommittally._

"_Well, look. You wanna live to be fifteen, listen to me and get off the streets. Outta the city, if ya can."_

"_Why?" She challenged as she drew herself up to her full height. "Ain't like you're my dad."_

"_No, but I'm tryin' ta be your friend." He snapped. A small rubber band appeared around one of his fingers, and as he spoke, he tried coaxing her red curls into a loose bun. "Listen to me: you're pretty, girl. And it ain't gonna be long 'fore one of your clients notices and decides that the Foot might need ta know just how pretty, get me?"_

_Some of her freckles had vanished at the mention of the Foot, but I had to give her credit for recovering well. "So now what?"_

_In answer, he dropped a bundle of clothes in her arms and shooed her off to a secluded corner to change. "Ain't my place to tell you or anyone else what ta do. But I'm not gonna watch you destroy your life without tryin' to warn you about what you're gettin' into." He whipped a lighter and a cigarette out of his pocket, averting his eyes when pieces of clothing began hitting the floor and looking a greater deal shyer than he had before. "That little show I put on for ya was a best case scenario."_

"_Well...thanks, I guess." She came around the corner, appropriately covered in ripped jeans and a black t-shirt. Her eyes landed on the money. He snorted at the blush that rose in her face and tossed it at her. "Whaa…?"_

"_Got no use for it where I'm going."_

_A curious spark glinted in her eye, but she said nothing. He patted her arm and gave her a knife. "Stay out of trouble, girl."_

"_Melanie."_

"_Melanie, then. See ya 'round." He paused as he thought about the implications of that phrase and amended, "But don't lemme catch you out here again, 'kay?"_

_And then we were gone. He wait until we were tucked safely on the roof and Melanie's red locks had bounced down the street before unleashing his fury on me. I caught a nasty left hook with my jaw._

"_I told you to scram!"_

"_Excuse me for not knowing Raphael's Nightly Reform School for Hookers was in session!"_

_His look shot daggers at me, but he made a visible effort to reign in his emotion. And abruptly, all the tension drained out of him. He sighed. "Look, these girls need to be given at least one crack at as normal a life they might get in this hellhole. I can usu'ly get 'em before someone else, but I do hafta play along. They don't trust help offered outright."_

_I twisted my eyes up to him. "Is that the farthest you go?"_

_His silence was all the answer I needed, and I backed away from him in disgust. We stood in silence for a few minutes.  
><em>

"_Do...do any of them take it?" I ventured carefully, not knowing if I was overstepping my bounds.  
><em>

"_Some of 'em do. The shy ones'll usually book first chance they get. The stubborn ones almost always end up dead or imprisoned."_

"_So what does that mean for Melanie?"_

_He coughed into the smog. "She's spunky. The spunky ones that made it this far on their own are usu'ly alright. Lot of them'll turn up at the camp at some point or other."_

_And he was right. The spunky little redhead was found just outside the base a couple days later, torn and violated and desperately clutching a few bills and what was left of the black tee._

I was too wrapped up in the horrified thoughts of exactly what he'd gone through to realize the story had run its course. He stepped back and studied the city from our hidin' spot, keepin' concerned eyes on the ladies of the evening.

"So...um, what happened to 'er? Ta Melanie?"

He shrugged but his eyes darkened. "They took her to the infirmary."

"Oh."

Wasn't like there was much else to say, and suddenly I was itchin' to get back underground and into the relative safety of my room. The tender skin of my neck was swelling anyway, so I locked my hand around his wrist to pull 'im along.

He resisted. "If...if you don't mind, I'm...going to stay here for a bit. Gotta work some things out."

"Uh, sure. Do whatcha need."

He didn't get back home 'til almost dawn, and he didn't look any calmer than when I'd left him. But as he passed the couch where I'd crashed with an ice pack, he whispered, "Arigato, ototo."

I dropped all pretense of sleep and eyed 'im. "For what?"

"Caring."

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** Was just wondering about the transitions...am I switching narrative POVs correctly? Like, Raph sounds like Raph, Don sounds like Don? I tend to write these things straight through, and I'm wondering if sometimes the previous POV carries over to the next for a few sentences.

What do y'all think so far? Sound like something that could have happened?


	3. Chapter 3

WARNING (to Leo fans): Let's just say that I haven't cast him in the best light here….

* * *

><p>I always looked forward to sparring with him. As the only member of the team who took a purely defensive stance on warcraft, he kept me on my toes. Where Raph would use brute force to bludgeon opponents into defeat or Mikey use a combination of aerobatics and dumb luck, <em>he<em> kept the physical and mental planes separate. He would throw his body into the motions of a match while his mind dissected the stratagem of the adversary. He regularly won over half of our matches.

Grinning, I eyed the position he'd taken: legs spread wide, knees slightly bent, staff floating at his side. He was in a near crouch, ready to spring. I could feel lines of confusion pinching around my eyes. The odd offensive posture did not startle me as badly as the shadow that passed over his face. He looked like he was absolutely dreading the fight.

And suddenly, so was I.

But before either of us could voice concern, a sharp "Hajime!" split the air, and we fought under the careful eye of our sensei.

My brother's face was impassive, unreadable as we fought. I brought my swords up to meet the hardwood that nearly split my head in two. He took a short jab at me, and I shamefully fell for the fake. The opposite end of the staff broadsided me, and I was sure I was not the only one who gaped at the feral growl that escaped him.

"Sensei…" I tried cautiously.

He narrowed his eyes, studying us. I risked a second to scan his face, only to see his jaw go slack in fear. The faint sting of instinct caught the knife before it reached my abdomen. He roared as he pinned me to the ground.

"Murderer," he hissed, eyes blank with hatred.

I stilled. "_What_?"

"Enough!" Sensei separated us, sparing a moment to take note of my minor injuries before leveling a heated stare at the resident genius-turned-basket case. "You will remove your weapons and leave the dojo."

The shock of disgrace snapped him out of his daze and his face slowly crumpled in horror. "What did I…?" He winced. "Hai, Sensei."

He dropped his bō and stripped off his belt and left without a word, and I tried to keep my focus on the rest of the session.

Later, I found him on the couch. I gently placed his belt across his legs and eased myself onto the worn sofa. "You alright?"

"I nearly killed you."

"That doesn't answer my question."

"No."

I couldn't tell if that was an agreement or the answer I wanted. I tried again. "You just got wrapped up in the fight. Happens to all of-"

"Leo, I wanted to kill you."

"-us."

I could feel myself pale at the soft admission and abruptly regretted giving him back his weapons. He fingered a shuriken as he spoke.

"I...I really did...um…" He swallowed thickly and fell silent.

"I'm listening," I prompted.

He steadfastly refused to meet my eyes, but at least he was speaking.

_We were tentatively going to head out two nights from now, and only Mikey had opted to stay at the base. He hadn't told me much of what had happened between our siblings, but from what I gathered, it hadn't been clean or civil. Once the plan was solidified, Raph had just vanished. I had a feeling he would be scouting the route we planned on taking, eager to jump on the first clearing we got._

_Leo spent one watch in the infirmary before taking off into the city, and my curiosity got the better of me. I followed him to a warehouse on the river. He was speaking briefly with a boy, maybe my age. The teen tensed at something that was said and slowly backed away. And then he was on him._

_The stunned look on the lad's face mirrored my own. I could see the angle of entry forced the blade through the stomach and possibly a lung. Something in his countenance changed as the pain worked its way to his nerves. His eyes went wide as he screamed. He just screamed and screamed, and my brother looked down at the hand that held the sword…_

_...and he twisted it._

_The youth flinched before falling to the ground, the impact eliciting a howl of agony. And when the sound just stopped, I turned my head away. Blood began streaming toward the shallow end of the roof where I hid. I knew all too well the sensations of death._

_Sharp steel against his neck, pressing harder, harder. Lifeblood slipping away, sticking to his killer. The weight of a powerful body crushing, crushing, crushing and suddenly relenting..._

_...to receive payment for the deed._

_He deftly caught the satchel of whatever passed for monies and bid his goodbyes to his current employer. He ripped open the bag with his teeth, and I could see the sharp glint of silver in the moonlight._

_I heard him sigh in something that sounded suspiciously like content. The sudden shivers in my limbs had nothing to do with the cold breeze. His dark eyes roamed over the victim, and his let his fingers run almost lovingly through the blonde hair. Feeling for the severed neck, he smiled at the horrified gasps blowing bubbles in the blood._

"_Shh, sshhh," he cooed. "Don't struggle. Don't struggle. Easy, easy now."_

_Nausea seized at my throat, and his sick words of solace cut off as I heaved onto the pavement below. So much for secrecy. As I wiped strings of saliva and bile from my mouth, I was aware of his gaze penetrating the back of my neck and unconsciously laid a hand on the tanto in my belt._

_Behind him, the poor young man finally expired._

_I felt my mouth twist as a slew of words and curses fought to get free. "What...what are you?"_

"_A survivor. Nothing more, nothing less."_

_I dropped to my knee, barely noticing how it slid the fresh blood. The body seemed to sag as the life stream trickled to stop. My vision went as red as the stained slate tiles, and I launched myself at him. The tackle caught him off-guard, but he recovered quickly and rolled so that an arm could use my weight against me. I saw the joint-lock coming but didn't have time to get out of the way._

"_How _could_ you, nii-san?" The words were raw with anguish. "How could you? How could you?"_

_I cried out as he bent my arms in an unnatural angle, his anger tearing muscle and tendon. "You don't get it, do you? Our family is over. Our honor is over. The WORLD is over! I don't know where you've been, and quite frankly, I don't care! Love, compassion, tradition mean nothing to anyone old enough to say them! They don't fill your stomach. They don't slake your thirst. They don't give mercy to the weak. And they don't give this damned existence a meaning!_

"_Wait until you've had to slit a child's throat to end her suffering or 'til you've watched comrades impale themselves on what you hope are only rust covered steel beams or 'til you wake up screaming into the night and have to cut yourself to see the blood to know your body still lives…" he shuddered and all the fight drained out of him suddenly._

_He threw an indifferent glance at the cooling corpse and walked all the way over to the edge of the building without stopping. I lunged for his arm, knowing I wouldn't get there in time, praying I would. He let his toes grip the lip of the roof and stood rock solid against the wind._

"_Just wait until your mind dies and you don't have to think about what you do 'cause you're just existing, just existing like every other godforsaken squatter in this town."_

_I had no answer for the forlorn whispers. I had...nothing. No comrades, no father, no brothers._

"Just a plan. Just that damned plan," he finished.

I could feel my mouth hanging open, and I just sat there with him as his voice broke. What could I tell him that could counter what he had seen?

A thought struck me, a memory from our childhood and one of the few quiet moments I'd had just with him. We'd both taken to the arts faster than the others, and I'd loved listening to him read aloud. Of all of us, he had the deepest appreciation for the cadence and tone of language and could draw us into a story or a poem within a few well spoken sentences. The book he had chosen that particular day was old and faded, and I was sure I was the only one who remembered it.

I licked my lips nervously and whispered, "'_Let me do my work each day; and if the darkened hours of despair overcome me, may I not forget the strength that comforted me in the desolation of other times._'"

He stilled as I repeated the poem from memory, and I could see his lips moving as he mouthed the words.

"'_May I still remember the bright hours that found me walking over the silent hills of my childhood, or dreaming on the margin of a quiet river, when a light glowed within me, and I promised my early God to have courage amid the tempests of the changing years._'"

He continued reciting to himself, an ear cocked toward my voice as I spoke. "It's not my place to tell you not to mourn, not to question. I can't tell you that I will never give up, and I can't tell you that our bond will never suffer. You've seen that it can." I pulled his head down to my shoulder. "But I _can_ tell you with absolute certainty that for as long as God wills, you will have us at your side, fighting as one."

He sniffed and said nothing as he extracted himself from the embrace. I shut my eyes tightly against the wellspring bubbling up. His footsteps were soft and plodded to his room, the door shutting behind him. I sighed, hating the pain I couldn't fix, hating the memories I couldn't steal.

It was going to be a long time before he shook himself free of the guilt and the doubt and the questions.  
><em>...<em>

_Spare me from bitterness and from the sharp passions of unguarded moments. May I not forget that poverty and riches are of the spirit. _

_Though the world knows me not, may my thoughts and actions be such as shall keep me friendly with myself._

* * *

><p><em>*<em>From 'A Prayer,' by Max Ehrmann

**A/N:** *peeks out from behind furniture* Are the rabid Leo fans gone? Can I come out?

This is what happens when Pandora plays four different versions of 'Mad World' on the same station in 2.5 hrs.

Okay, so Leo fluffiness is almost always a given when one of the others is in some kind of pain. But, I mean, fluff won't magically fix Don, and Leo knows it, so he just lets him know he's there and they'll give him as much time as he needs to work through things. And..I really hope no one (*coughDonniecough*) is incredibly out of character...?

Oh, and apologies if you find any grammar/spelling mistakes. I seriously spent the past four hours on this, and my eyes are too tired to catch everything. Just point out anything you see and I'll fix it, 'kay, thanks!

As bad as I feel for Donnie, this story is one I've really enjoyed writing. I don't know how else to continue, but I really don't want to stop with just three chapters. Thoughts, questions, comments?


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